Explanations Work Better
by Lord Mendasuit
Summary: In which Itachi realizes his plans have gone down the crapper when he meets Sasuke and attempts to salvage the situation as best as he can.


"Now I've done it! Everything is in proper place! I may not have the eyes you have, I may not have the experience you have, I may not have the skills you have and I may not have the jutsu library you have, but I'll still beat you!" Sasuke informed his elder brother, conviction and confidence radiating from him in waves, pointing at Itachi who was simply standing there looking at him with a look of clear horror.

"Sasuke what the fuck happened to you!?" Itachi asked, horrified at what he saw. "How… How did you let someone gay you up like this!? Seriously, I know I can't talk, but at least I'm forced by the Akatsuki dress code. You're doing this WILLINGLY!?"

The younger Uchiha looked thoroughly confused at this. "Well, it's Orochimaru's dress code for his new vessels, and he gets really pissy about it."

"Dammit, Sasuke!" Itachi yelled, smacking his forehead. "You went to Orochimaru!? You just fucked up all of my long term plans you foolish little brother!" He was clearly frustrated. "I'm gonna die in like six hours anyway, so I can't even solve this mess before I die." The elder Uchiha brother said, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"Okay, you lost me." Admitted the younger Uchiha brother, looking not unlike he'd just been told Orochimaru was not in fact a pedophile. Just in jokes.

Itachi sighed. "You're so getting poked in the forehead for this." He spoke, clearly disgruntled but resigned to it by this point. "I guess I have to ask… what the hell are you doing?"

"What do you think, you asshole? I trained my ass off with Orochimaru for the last three years so I could get strong enough to beat you. I also pulled several abilities out of my ass in the process to do so. I didn't even know I could reverse Orochimaru's absorption jutsu until I tried it." Admitted Sasuke, shrugging.

"Why did you go to Orochimaru, foolish fool! Orochimaru is a traitor to Konoha, he's an amoral monster!"

"Hello Mr. Kettle, you sure are black today." The younger Uchiha said conversationally, rolling his Sharingan enhanced eyes.

"Yeah, well, at least I did this for a good reason. Sasuke, I don't know if you've noticed, but our family was kind of a bunch of psychopathic assholes." Itachi began, sighing. "Except for Shisui, Kagami and one of our dead cousins, practically every member of our family has, at one point or another, entertained thoughts of murdering their best friend for power only to discard them because they'd never be able to get away with it in Konoha. Also, they were planning to rebel. Had they rebelled, they'd have plunged Konoha into a civil war at which point Iwa would've stomped us." Explained the real prodigy, sighing at Sasuke's confused face. "That's because there's some sort of EVIL BRAIN CHAKRA or something that appears when we trigger the Sharingan's first activation that drives us insane over time. Tobirama-sama wasn't really clear on it."

"… Well, that does explain why daddy was such a colossal prick to me." Sasuke admitted, thinking back. "And why mom always talked about how she wished she had never married him, and how she should have never broken off her relationship with that Kushina woman."

"Sasuke, you have no idea what you missed. Kushina-sama was the most beautiful woman I've ever met, bar none." Itachi said, completely seriously.

"Look! Someone has a crush! Itachi and Kushina, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S… I forgot how it goes…" This actually caused Itachi to chuckle.

"Sasuke, did you ever check Mom's chest of things that Dad should never see?"

Sasuke frowned. "No, I always thought that they were her underwear or something. She never did like it when dad would ask her to have sex with him… She always used to throw things at him… You know, Dad might've been a prick, but I think she might've overdone it a bit." He surmised, remembering the over the top lovers' spats they had.

"Yeah, well, EVIL BRAIN CHAKRA, Sasuke. It drove mom crazy too, just in a different way. She became something called a Yandere. I don't have time to explain that, though, the point is, go check it when you have time. You'll see what I mean when you see the pictures mom kept of Kushina-sama."

Shrugging, Sasuke decided that he might as well when he got back to Konoha. If he ever did.

"Anyway, I should get back to the point. What did I tell you when I killed everyone, Sasuke?" Itachi continued trying to make his brother see the light.

"You told me that if I wanted to kill you, that I should hate. That I should live an unsightly life and obtain the Mangekyou. You told me that I had to hate you and everyone else and only when my hate was strong enough would I be able to defeat you. And my hate is strong enough today!" Sasuke declared, pointing a finger at Itachi.

"And tell me, Sasuke, just what kind of idiot trusts the man who just murdered his entire family for apparently no reason other than he just happened to be bored at the time and it seemed like a good idea? Seriously, I told you all of that shit so you would do the exact opposite! I thought that you would hate me so much that you would do the complete opposite of what I told you to do. I told you to become the epitome of everything that is wrong with the Uchiha Clan and its Philosophy so you could become the opposite of that. Evidently, I heavily underestimated how much you loved me considering even killing everyone you cared about wasn't enough to make you hate me then."

"What do you mean? Pretty much the only person I'll miss from the clan was the guy who made those delicious dumplings, and I can't even remember his name. Can't really hate you for killing the Uchiha clan." Sasuke said. "Our family was full of pricks."

"Amen, bro." Itachi said, nodding. "I tried to spare the ones who weren't pricks, but Tobi came behind me and killed them all. Oh, and watch out for that Tobi guy. Seriously, always stay close to either Jiraiya or Tsunade-sama, 'cause they're the only two who could take on him by this point." Said the man, shrugging. "Though I don't know how crazy powerful he really is, I'm guessing he's still stronger than you. But with a bit more training, you'll catch up, no problem."

"Get back to the point!" Sasuke yelled, seeing that his brother was digressing. He'd deal with this Tobi guy later.

"Okay, okay, geez, a guy just tries to tell a story and you just about chew his head off." Itachi ranted, rolling his eyes. "I wanted you to stay in Konoha where you'd be safe from the people who want to harvest your eyes for their own use, like Orochimaru who you killed. Well, until the time came in which you grew strong enough to kill me, at which point I would give you the Mangekyou in the only way you can get them without killing someone who would most likely be a member of Konoha's military. That would make you a criminal and you'd wind up executed for treason. I would have, gladly, given you my eyes so you didn't have to deal with the Mangekyou Sharingan's eventual blindness problem. Then you could've used that to help the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki more easily master his power so that the Akatsuki would never be a threat to him, I kinda liked the kid, always pulled off hilarious pranks. "

All throughout Itachi's very long explanation, Sasuke was feeling more and more inadequate.

"If everything had gone as I planned it, you would never have been in significant danger until you had grown strong enough to defend yourself and your loved ones. You would grow up to break our clan's reputation and the curse of hatred that binds us. Maybe even rebuilt the clan without a bunch of retarded, inbred pricks being the ones deciding the laws and accidentally making their children insane by making them obsessed with power."

"… Well, now I feel like a complete retard." Sasuke admitted. "That does sound like a good, if unnecessarily brutal, plan."

"Well, you fucked it up epically, since now you're a missing nin and can't go back to Konoha."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "You kidding me? If I go to Konoha, all I will get for deserting to Orochimaru will be, at worst, a slap on the wrist, two weeks of probation and maybe I'll be forced to get married to have something to chain me to the village." He said, shrugging. "Chances are I'll probably get out of this without even that much if I tell them I killed Orochimaru and, well, you, on my way there."

"I should probably be more surprised at this than I am." Itachi informed. "But the Leaf suffers from being too soft sometimes." He admitted. "Okay, then. Let's just finish cleaning up this whole mess. Just run me through with the Kusanagi and get that medic nin chick that accompanies you everywhere who's an insult against women everywhere to implant my Mangekyou on you."

"Sounds like a plan." Sasuke said, nodding.

"Just one last thing before I die... Seme and uke relationships are bullshit. Just ask Kisame."

The casually mentioned shark man watched from afar. His left eyebrow was twitching. "… I'm so glad I'm quitting Akatsuki to start my acting career after this mission. I've heard this Spielberg guy needs a trained shark for his upcoming movie…"

And that's how the Jaws series got started.


End file.
